I have anxiety.

There was a time when panic attacks came frequently and with force. I’ve had panic attacks so severe and so sudden that I thought I might die- actually stop living. As terrifying as the attacks could be, the hit-by-a-truck aftermath was perhaps more brutal. That’s what some people don’t understand. It’s almost never just a moment, it’s a process and most often a thing that lingers in the background of even the happiest and most functional lives.

For a very long time, I lived with that sort of general anxiety.

When I say that, I mean that I felt amped up and overwhelmed and hyperextended for, I don’t know, about 15 years. It made my heart beat too big and made it impossible to get a deep breath. It left me awake for endless hours at night and consequentially I was exhausted all day. I was worn the heck out for so long that I didn’t know it wasn’t normal. I thought that’s how everyone felt. (FYI, that is not normal and it’s not how everyone feels.)

I don’t feel that anymore. I haven’t needed medication for years. I don’t have a therapist on speed dial and I sleep just fine. In fact, I feel so good most of the time that I forget I have anxiety… until it sneaks up on me. Chaotic, unexpected, unfamiliar, messy, or overstimulating situations can cause me to feel anxious and the real gift is that I know it so well that I can call it out and work through it better than I could in my younger days. At this point, any bouts of anxiety give me a headache, leave me irritable, and mess up my sleep, but it might look different for you.

I think I’m telling you this because way back in the day, I thought I was the only one.

Even today, I sometimes forget that anxiety isn’t one size fits all. Not everyone experiences it the same way and we don’t all manage it the same way. Heck, the same person can experience it differently as time and circumstances change. That’s how it’s been for me.

Since I’m not down in the trenches of anxiety anymore, I don’t talk about it a lot.

But it’s unfair to only talk about struggles when they directly affect us.

So I’m stepping out here in case one of you feels like you’re the only one.

You aren’t the only one. I promise. There is hope. Look at me. For a really long time I wasn’t okay, but today I’m okay. I’m aware of my own needs and struggles and I’m better equipped to navigate life’s ebb and flow. I’m more than okay. (I realize that is something that anxious people say to deflect the depth of truth, except that I really am okay and now you don’t believe me and I wish I could take it all back but I think I’m supposed to put it all out there for somebody so that’s what I’m going to do and oh my gosh now I feel anxious about telling you about anxiety and this is the longest sentence ever. BREATHE, Mandy.)

In all seriousness, I’m okay. But once upon a time I wasn’t, and if you’re feeling not-so-okay, I’m sending you the biggest virtual hug (unless hugs make you anxious, in which case I’d be happy to sit in the corner with you and practice breathing in and out until it passes).

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