I’ve made a lot of mistakes and done some things I’m not proud of in my life. I think we all have, but I’m 100% harder on myself. For years I’ve found it nearly impossible to let go of shame for being imperfect.

As a highly sensitive person, I’m hyper-aware of all the things within me. When I’m not in a healthy headspace, it can be very difficult for me to focus on anything but the bad. My bad, my flaws, my mistakes, my shortcomings.

So for a long time, I took those mistakes with me everywhere.

Every time I tried something new, I reminded myself of all the times I had failed before.

Every time I got flustered with my child, I reminded myself of all the times I’d let my emotions get the best of me.

Each time I met a new friend, I reminded myself of all the ways I’d failed in my friendships in the past.

At night I’d lay in bed and go over and over and over it, looking for loopholes to undo even the smallest things that can’t be undone. I believed that if I thought hard enough that I could fix my mistakes or, at the very least, show an appropriate amount of shame to balance it all out.

For many years I thought this made me noble. “Oh, look at Mandy bearing the responsibility of her actions. How admirable.”

Bull. Crap.

Shame balances nothing, friend.

NOTHING. Shame only adds to the weight. Lugging that around didn’t make me admirable or honorable. It only made me tired, depressed, and discouraged.

So one step at a time, I’m learning to gather up the lessons I’ve learned and take them with me. And I’m leaving the weight of the past where it belongs- behind me.

I’m not going to lie- it’s kind of nice to move in this direction and you’d be amazed at all the good things I can pick up when I’m not dragging the past around with me.

There is no perfection here, but there is progress.

There is hope in moving forward. I don’t even have the words to describe the peace of knowing He has loved me all along- yep, even the really messy parts. There is contentment in embracing my beautiful and also very flawed self. There is grace in the ability to love myself in the face of my flaws and to love others in the face of theirs.

I’ll say it again in case you need to hear it, too:

You can let go of shame.

There is no honor in lugging around shame for every mistake you’ve ever made. You can let go of shame. You’re allowed to learn from your mistakes and move forward. There’s no telling what mountains you can climb when you lay down the weight of imperfection and shame and move forward in hope.