I’ve got plenty to tend to without being ashamed of my anxiety. So I’m speaking truth, laying down the shame, and reminding you that you aren’t alone.

Truth? I’ve consumed nothing but coffee in the five hours that I’ve been awake and I feel terrible. That would be an honest mistake, except that I’ve done it every day this week. I’ve also cried at least once a day for the last four days and I had a solid panic attack yesterday. This is all so unlike me.

Well, it’s unlike me now, but it is uncomfortably familiar to the life I lived before.

For years I lived with general anxiety.

In that old life, there were always more bills than money, my husband was deployed more than he was home, and I was the full-time caregiver to our two terminally ill children. In those years, my baseline was uncomfortably high general anxiety and peaks of attack came often. I was tired and weary and stressed. It was often hard to take a deep breath, my sleep was restless, and my heart would often beat too big. And I thought I was the only one.

As a bonus, I was ashamed of my anxiety.

I was embarrassed for feeling anything but grateful and happy because I knew I was blessed in so many ways.

I’ve done a lot of work to be healthier in recent years, but I also have the privilege of a less stressful life these days. It would be a lie to pretend that circumstance doesn’t offer an advantage to treating mental health issues.

But I am not immune to anxiety.

I’m telling you these vulnerable things because when I was bogged down in anxiousness and feeling ashamed of my anxiety, it would have helped to know that I wasn’t the only one. I’m not talking about the sentiment that misery loves company. I am speaking directly to the fact that when we see how others have faced similar obstacles, felt similar feelings, and found a way through, we feel like it’s possible for us to do the same.

So here is the truth.

You aren’t the only one who has felt this way and it doesn’t have to feel this way forever. When the big feelings are too much and the entirety of it is too heavy to handle, you can start small. Of course, you want to have a game plan for long term change and mental health, but when anxiety strikes, you just need to get through the moment. This week, I just need to get through.

Here is how I survived yesterday and these are the steps I’m taking to give myself a better chance today.

Breath in. Breathe out.

Sometimes this simply has to be an intentional practice. Yesterday my daughter asked if I was mad since I was huffing and puffing, so I told her the truth. “I’m not feeling very good right now and take deep breaths and blowing it out really helps me.” This is also a prayer for me because I focus on breathing in His goodness and blowing out my anxiety.

Cry if I need to.

Sometimes I can let a few tears out and feel better. Other times I’m surprised at the force of emotion behind the tears and the only thing I can do is let them come and then move forward. Yesterday I stood in the living room and let my husband hold me up until it was over. I let him in and he stood in that uncomfortable space with me. If that’s not love then I don’t know what is.

Write it down.

My big feelings somehow feel a bit more manageable when I am brave enough to name them. I don’t need direction or a template for this. I grab a piece of paper or open the notes on my phone and I just write down how I feel. Sometimes it is two or three words and sometimes it turns into something else entirely, but I can feel myself taking back some power when I do this.

Eat something.

I’m serious. I can’t live on caffeine alone. I know because I’ve tried. When I feel the jitters and woozy feeling creeping in, I know I need to eat. It’s easy for that to get away from me in times like these, so I have to be mindful. For example, I just stopped what I was doing (which felt really important because everything feels this way when I’m anxious) and I made myself lunch. Truth? All I could muster was a handful of old pizza rolls from the back of the freezer. I put them on a paper plate because dirty dishes won’t help anything right now. Then I stood in front of the microwave and watched the plate turn because I knew if I walked away from them that I might not come back to eat them. I poured myself a cold glass of water and I ate. Were they delicious and nutritious? Nope. Did they serve the purpose and take me a baby step in the right direction? Yes.

Stop being ashamed of my anxiety.

I’ve got plenty to carry around without that added weight. I am simply no longer interested in presenting an always strong and capable front. My life is beautiful and happy in a million ways and, also, sometimes I struggle with anxiety. So I’m saying it out loud and somehow that makes it less heavy.

Please know that you are not alone.

I’m so sorry if you know how this feels. If there really is strength in knowing that you aren’t alone- and I believe that there is- then I hope that my honesty does just that. Hang on, keep breathing, cry a little, name it, have a snack, and believe that you can do this.

Hugs, Mandy

*Follow me on Facebook where I make a habit out of being my authentically quirky self.